Journal Entry 10.01.22

Of course another existential crisis about my career hits me on the journey back home. Couldn’t even wait until I was on US soil, huh?

During the 4 hr layover in TPE, I was  considering yet again the idea of creating a Patreon. Then I had this really exciting idea to create more purple aardvark stickers that were quickly snuffed out by reality. Then I crumpled into a ball on a tiny airport gate seat. I think I just really want some sort of confident way to know that what I’m creating will lead to income. I know that I shouldn’t be creating art for this reason, but the reality is that I have to eat and live in this world that requires money from me. The task of creating a new illustration or product is large enough as it is. The idea that I could go through all that (detail product manu process) and the entire time not even have true confidence that it’ll be worth it is extremely daunting. Sure I can do it for other reasons like the joy of the process, improving my art skills, blah blah BLAH. But sometimes I need security to keep me going. After all, it is what I was raised to aim for and crave.

Throughout this process of embarking on my own and I running my own business, I have definitely come a long way in believing in myself and trusting that I will one day make it. Still though, every once in a while, a twinge in my heart worries it won’t pan out. I still find myself desperately searching for a security line to hang on to because I so much want to keep doing this. Thankfully most of the time I have the security of my savings and the support of my family and friends to keep me going, but it does sometimes get tough.